Week 3. Father Heart of God

Father Heart of God

Journal entry no. 3

8/14/13

I'm not going to lie, this week has been kind of hard.

God's definitely working on some things in me that need to change.

I'm not complaining, I'm just stating for the official record that sometimes when God works in you, it hurts a bit.

But it's alright. Everything is going to be great.

I've had a couple of serious "what am I doing here?" Moments this week, 

A couple too many conversations like this:

"So what instrument do you play?"

"I kind of play guitar"

"Oh, cool. Anything else?"

"No"

"Do you sing?" 

"Ummmmmmm. No."

"Okay... So... Why did you choose this DTS?"

The thing is, when I applied for this DTS (over a year ago) I had every intention of becoming a musician. I practiced a lot, I spent time watching 'how to play guitar' videos on YouTube, and I practiced some more.

And then what happened? 

I guess I just stopped working so hard on music and wasted a bunch of time.

That's what has been eating at me so much this week.

Why am I always wasting time? Why don't I put in the effort to make something count?

Here's a thing: maybe all of these thoughts are the enemy trying to get me down.

Or maybe they're accurate.. 

Or maybe they're accurate and the enemy is using them to get me down.

Assuming that is the case, what if I say that I won't take that? What if I say that from here on out, I'll try harder and do better?

I'll fall on my face, that's what.

But here's the thing that's being pounded into my head this week:

Yes, I can try. Yes, I'll fall. Yes, it'll hurt. 

But grace.

But. Grace.

I was talking to a fellow from Holland last evening, and he made the comment that no matter how hard we try to better ourselves or fulfill our longings, we fail, and it always ends with grace.

"That's it," he said, "just grace".

Remember last week, and how I let go of feeling guilty and ashamed?

Well, I'm still feeling free, but I really need to keep focusing on grace. 

'Cause it's a big deal.

So we've been talking about the Father heart of God.

Our speaker Roley Sondergold, has given us lots of statistics about how fatherlessness in the world is hurting so many. It's terribly sad to hear about this stuff!

I just can't imagine how hard it must be to accept that you are loved and delighted in by a Heavenly Father if you haven't felt that love on earth. No wonder it's such a struggle for some people!

I've thought so much this week about my earthly Daddy, and how awesome he is!

He's been a great example for me of how my Father in heaven loves and rejoices over me. He's truly committed to the Lord and to our family. 

He's really super great.

8/17/13

The rest of the week has been better than the first half. I've been greatly encouraged by staff and fellow students. If there's one thing we aim for here, it's lifting each other up and encouraging one another. 

I'm so glad to have had this kind of surroundings in almost every area of my life thus far. (Lord, help me when I find myself in a different atmosphere...)

I just love when the love of the Father just flows from person to person.

Anyhow.

I feel like the big thing I'm learning this week is a continuation of last week:

Guilt has no place in the heart of God's child.

I'm glad that this was one of the things that Roley spent a good bit of time talking about, since it's such a hard thing to apply to living and to truly accept.

I know it will be a long time until my reaction to mistakes isn't "oh no, what now?" But rather, "Praise God for grace", But God is working on it in me.

We looked at the contrast between an 'orphaned heart' and the heart of a son or daughter of God. Pretty drastic.

Orphaned Heart:

Sees God as a master

Tries to earn God's love

Is restless and uneasy

Feels like God is far away

Son or Daughter's heart:

Sees God as a loving Father

Knows that they are already loved by God

Is at peace

Delights in God's presence

(This is just a tiny portion of the list we studied, just to get you thinking)

It's straight-up sad to think about all the orphaned hearts out there.

But hey, that makes me excited for the two months we'll be spending in Thailand toward the end of the year!

I'm getting less nervous and more excited all the time, actually.

Woohoo!

I wish I could just download my notebook so that you could get an idea of how much I'm learning every week, but just know: this is a fantastic opportunity.. And I'm so blessed to be part of a DTS.

(Shout out to everyone back home who helped me get here :) )

And to God, for reassuring me that He wants me here.

I'm looking forward to next week. 

We'll be studying about having a Biblical World View. 

Make sure you watch for that blog post!

Love,

Chelsea